Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Taking It Back

Who would have ever thought this would happen? It is all but certain now that the nominee for the "family values" party has had three wives, and the likely nominee for the Democratic party will, if successful, return the last president to be impeached by the House of Representatives to the White House. What have we done? Where did we go wrong? How did we end up the prodigal son, finding ourselves in squalor, living among swine? Can't we just go back home and admit the error of our ways?

This isn't the first time I've suggested returning to British rule, but given the state of our politics today, this may just be the first time it gets some serious traction. It's not like I'm suggesting we all move to what is currently the United Kingdom; no need to abandon American regional cuisine, or to live in a land of ubiquitous rain and fog. We need not start "talking funny" by finally speaking "the King's" correctly - although it makes sense as everyone but Sarah Palin already speaks "English" - she "speaks American". All we have to do is admit that we blew it, and ask to come back home. I'm sure that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Great Britain, Ireland, and the British Dominions beyond the Seas, Head of the Commonwealth and Defender of the Faith (a lot longer to say than "President Trump", but so much less painful) would take us back with open arms. I hear she's getting soft in her old age.

Sure, we had some good times, even decades to be proud of. We can carry with us all the fond memories of our two-century national rumspringa; no one's taking that away. We've simply run our course, and now have reached that age where we are finally mature enough to know that Mum always knew best. Best of all, the idea has some merit for every mindset in America.

For the religious right, so often lamenting (or even denying the existence of) the separation of church and state, this is your opportunity to finally make Christianity the official state religion! Unlike America, which is prohibited from establishing a national church, Great Britain has had an official state religion for centuries. The Church of England welcomes you. Just be forewarned that you can't have extreme points of view.

If you're a Bernie Socialist, you can finally relax. You may even be able to feel your blood pressure return to normal as you realize that there is no need to re-invent the wheel. Great Britain already has a national health service, and a progressive (yet relatively simple) tax code. You'll even win on gun control.

For traditionalists or history buffs, you can instantaneously multiply your national history and traditions by four or five. We can even return to our first flag, the Grand Union Flag, and consequently need not worry about having to fit in a 51st star for Puerto Rico. We can keep our patriotic colours of red, white, and blue.

If you're a political outsider tired of the same two-party system, the Parliamentary system might be just the thing. Yes, they still have two major parties, but there are a number of other parties represented in Parliament, and they can often break a stalemate by siding with one side over the other. If you're a conservative, you'll be pleased to know that the conservative party not only currently controls Parliament (and thus also names the Prime Minister), but their conservatives are not in the midst of a civil war. And if you're a Trump fan, and just like to see politicians insult each other, these guys wrote the book.

If you like the celebrity gossip, you'll still get a steady stream of all that, but with royals instead of Kardashians. Will and Kate beats Jon and Kate even with only two instead of eight (and they have yet to separate). The BBC can actually still broadcast neutral news, where Fox and MSNBC frequently abandon reality.

As Scotland recently showed us, we can still reject independence. Who says you can't go home?

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